I never even ended up with the cool biker like “Slash” or “Killer”
I usually ended up with some looser called “Tater Nut’s” that was just as grateful to have me as I was to have him.
Or worse the loud obnoxious one that everybody hated and he would take his crap out on me.
Biker life was all I ever wanted to be a success at but was a miserable failure from the start.
I always wanted to be the”Cool Chick”that everyone wanted to hang out with but just never knew how.

I lived a life of poor imitations.
As my drinking and addictions grew worse so did my reputation and I started straying further and further away from the family,convinced I could never return.

After several years away I ended up doing in-custody treatment.
Nice way to say JAIL but at least I was in the program unit and it worked.
When released I really thought I had nowhere to return to so I spent my first year feeling isolated but practicing a program of recovery in my fellowship of choice.
That’s when I rediscovered Sober Bikers.

I had known about a group long ago but had heard they had disbanded now I learned they had formed a new group and I searched out their meetings…
It was love from the first one I attended !
For the first time I felt like these were people that knew where I had come from and what I had been through and all they cared about was I no longer partook of the lifestyle they too had left behind.
What I admired most was the fact that they were still bikers in every sense of the word but yet different in so many other ways than I had ever known a biker to be.
They still road hard and fast…
They still cussed and spit.
The men still wore leather and the women wore even more….
And I felt accepted.
I began to see a new life path in front of me.

Now 4 years down the road….
I no longer have to bury my issues.
I have kindred spirits that want to help me with them.
My Sponsor is a member of a Women’s MC and asked me if I would like to Probate with her club and it took me all of 1/8 of a second to say “Hell Yeah” !
Life as I knew it is over yes, but…
A new mile marker is on the horizon for me….
Gonna get my boots outta the closet..
Gonna put back on my leather…
and…
I never did stop cussing and spittin anyway…
Today I am Simply_Sandra and…
I am Gonna ride once again!

1. Having no known name, identity or known source
   “anon. authors“;
   - anonymous

The parameters for our individual Fellowships can make being a Recovering Misfit confusing.
I find that I can find someone at any meeting to identify with if I just listen and reach out my hand.

I practice tolerance, Love and understanding.

I practice Fellowship

Today I am Just Simply-Sandra

They tell us in the beginning “Do not get into a relationship for the first year”
I was told…Get a plant..keep it alive one yr then maybe you might be ready….
The desire to have someone in our lives can override the desire to recover.
We long to have someone to lean on, that will take away the pain and co-sign our crap.
Not a good idea, in fact I have seen first hand just how deadly this desire can be.
We tend to think that it was our drinking and drugging that caused our relationships to fail in the past and now that we are practicing a program and abstaining from those behaviors that somehow we will magically have healthy relationships…NOT !
There is so much more work we have to do inside our minds and hearts and our bodies for them to heal. So many of us never even had a person in our lives that a healthy relationship we could have learned from.
Two “sickies” don’t make a well..neither do one person with some time and a “newbie” either.
Sometimes…but rarely they do make it but in my opinion what recovery They achieve takes longer and is much harder.
I feel as if I would have cheated myself out of the experience of being “just me”.
Of finding out who I am without outside influence.
Time to enjoy the person I have become and life I am building by standing on my own two feet is priceless to me today.
In my past I always made myself into who I thought someone else wanted me to be in order to trap them. I lied,cheated and manipulated my way into countless lives and then proceeded to destroy them or to be destroyed myself by them. I set myself up for failure each and every time, why would I want to do that now ?
Why would I rob myself of this precious time to get to know me ?
One of the best decisions I have made in recovery is to also abstain from the gratuitous sex and shallow behaviors.
I have had sex only once in my 3 1/2 yrs and it left me feeling hollow and
“less than”
It did not make me feel loved or wanted..needed…and that actually freed me to become me.
That encounter..that bad feeling gave me the power to move forward on my own.
It gave me the desire to know myself and any future partners I may have better.
Today I can see what or whom is before me.
I can take the time to identify the predator’s that will try to rob me of “self” That just want to take a piece of me and not the whole package.
And my children are seeing this change in me also and I hope UN-learning the examples I had shown them in the past. I was a bad roll model and I have given myself and them the opportunity to see that it does not always take two halves to make a whole just one whole to make myself happy and perhaps one day…someday I will be ready to give what I have found in me to another human being.
I am still single but I am never alone if I can enjoy my own company

Simply_Sandra

Treatment Behind Bars.

For many of us our drinking and drugging began when we were young and then progressed to being grown up and moving into the bars.
Mine was not much different except my professional bar career ended up with receiving my treatment behind bars…
In my final stages as I was heading towards my bottom I began going to jail. In my 25+ yrs of using I managed to not get into any real trouble with the law until the last 3 when I once again hit the streets in search of death and destruction.
It took six trips in three years to get me into recovery.
It took Drug Court to save my life.
In the end I was dirty and living on the streets,under a bridge in fact, doing every immoral and degrading thing I could to kill myself or have someone do it for me.
Two out of 6 trips were In-Custody Treatment programs. My Judge first put me in for 30 day’s and when I got out It was off to the races. It was not enough, I was not ready to live, I still just wanted to die. I had lost everything and everyone I had ever tried to love.
I was sick.
My Judge being the wise woman she is gave me the next level when I was picked up again.
(each time I was caught I caught a new possession charge)
I look back now and I am lucky she did not kick me out of drug court. I actually ended up on Drug Court Probation because I had broken all the rules of the traditional program.
She loved me when I could not love myself.
The next level was the 90 day program.
They had councilors that worked with us daily and they worked us hard.
It was the first time in my life I went that long with no substances or outside influences.
The drug dreams were really bad at first, I would wake up sweating and shaking. Nightmares ruled my nights and tears ruled my day’s.
After the first 30 days this subsided a bit and my mind began to clear.
I started to actually hear what was being said to me and to understand the reading I was doing.
The speakers that came in made sense. The stories they told were much like mine.
Things were coming together in my brain and my brain was telling me I was tired.
Sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I never had spent that much time with myself or on myself and it was so new to me.
I got a letter one day from my mother…I did not even know she was looking for me.
I cried more. She has then 27 yrs in AA and now for the first time in my life we had something to share. I wanted what she had and this time it was not money or a place to stay.
This time I wanted her serenity, her peace of mind.
For the first time I was not just passing time until I died.
This time I wanted to live.
And now today this is what I do…I live…Each day..One day at a time.
Today I give back to the community I took so much from.
Today I take care of my children and their issues from our wreckage of a past.
Today I take care of myself.
Today I thank my Treatment behind bars for saving my life.

Simply_Sandra

I went straight to my 1/2 way house(my last) with nothing but the knowledge that I was done!

Finished with my old way of life, old friends and sick family.Old job with it’s degrading, immoral lifestyle.

Old places and people and things just have no place in my new world.

But I like most people have no clue as to who I am without using.

I like most conformed to whatever and whom ever I was partying with at the time.

I had many issues with staying away from these old people and even new ones that were not healthy for me to be around.

I had to take public transportation to and from my many court ordered programs.

The buses were hell because no matter where I was going I either saw someone I knew or there was someone trying to catch my eye.

I was in a Christian 1/2 way house so the Bible was a big part of our program which for me was not a problem because I had picked up a Bible and really started read it for the first time while in jail.

I started carrying a small one sent to me by “The Christian Bikers Association” called “Hope for the Highway” Very fitting for my travels and whenever I was on the bus/train or just waiting I kept my nose in it. Well it worked pretty well until one day I saw a “close” acquaintance from the streets and he was determined to talk me out of my appointments for the day and “Have some fun”.

Well when I refused repeatedly he became verbally abusive, telling me how I had not changed and never would. He knew of the life I used to lead and that I was just bullshitting myself and him by not just giving up and going to use with him. It was pretty bad.very..VERY loud and he finally got off the bus.

What was amazing was the next few passages I turned to…I was just blindly thumbing the pages because I was very flustered and people were staring by now.

This was the next verse…

Peter 4:3

“For you have spent enough time in the past doing what pagans choose to do—living in debauchery, lust, drunkenness, orgies, arousing and detestable idolatry. 4They think it strange that you do not plunge with them into the same flood of dissipation, and they heap abuse on you.”

This was what had JUST happened to me ! I was freaking out and looking around…weird!

That dude had just done that very thing to me ! He had thought it strange that I did not “plunge” into my old habits and get off that bus…I too felt the shift inside me. I was shifting over to a new  “gear” in my recovery. There was no way I was getting off and I wanted..needed a way to express this openly because I am a very easily intimidated person. My self esteem was and still is not that great and when someone makes a comment I start second guessing myself. But I knew in my heart my recovery was something I needed to stand up for.

Then I read this……..

Ephesians 6:10-18 (New International Version)
The Armor of God

“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.”

Now I have faith in my higher power that is very strong and these two verses had me thinking.
What could I do to deter these old people/places/things from interfering with my fight for recovery?
It started with just one tee shirt that said “keep it simple” and it grew..and grew and now I consider my “recovery wear” my Armor..

I wear it just about everyday….EVERYWHERE!

Something new started inside me also.

Every time my attire starts a conversation about my recovery or just recovery in general I grow stronger..my faith in myself is stronger…the work I do becomes easier..my desire to change becomes more resolute.

The “wrong” people look the other way instead of trying to catch my eye..

My reputation is changing. Recovery is changing my reputation….My “Recovery Armor” has become my power.

One our contributors, here at Aglobalrecovery.com, recently shared their thoughts about a recovery event they attended yesterday in Miami, Fl, as part of National Recovery Month. Enjoy…

“Hey, fellow recoveries at A Global. Yesterday, I attended the South Florida Rally for recovery as part of National Recovery Month, and it was awesome. The day began with a walk around the beautiful and famous MacArthur Causeway. There were probably 5,000 people in attendance (just guessing – but seriously – a lot).

We then cam back to the Bi-centennial Park grounds were we had some great food. There is nothing like a delicious meal after working up an appetite. I met some new friends in recovery while listening to guest speakers, and that was cool.

Before the concert, I came across a booth for a new website called Recoverydate.com. I had to find out more. Initially, I thought that it seemed like a bad idea, because I remembered how my sponsor told me that people in recovery shouldn’t date for at least a year; however, I now have two years in recovery and don’t remember anything ever being mentioned again.

Basically, I’m single, and I signed up for free because after talking to the person at the booth, I realized that Recoverydate.com offers me something other dating sites can’t – a chance at having a sober relationship with someone that shares my ideals.

I’ve had horror stories before, so it made sense to give it a shot. The idea that I could meet someone and have so much in common, and hit off right away seemed like a realistic possibly I thought worth exploring.

Anyway, after that I checked out the show and they were sweeeet! Richie played Pink and all his best stuff. And later, the Animals killed it with House of the Rising Sun. In the end, it was a fun day. I met lots of cool people, got turned onto Recoverydate.com and supported the local recovery community and National recovery Month with my participation…Hope to see you there next year!

Anonymous Jay”

Thanks for the insightful reflections AJ…

As many in the recovery community already know, September marks National Alcohol and Drug Addiction Recovery month. During the month-long festivities, the recovery community tries to engage addicts, recovering addicts, potential addicts, and families to raise awareness about the realities of addiction and the possibilities of recovery.

Many organizations, nationwide, have planned events that include charitable walks, outdoor concerts, guest speakers, and much more. One such event will take place on September 12, in Miami, Fl; it is the 2009 South Florida Rally for Recovery. The goal is to raise money, through a charitable walk, to be able to gift recovery scholarship to recent recovering addicts.

With only a week left, the 2009 South Florida Rally for Recovery has not yet met its goal, but is calling upon people in the recovery community worldwide to help out and donate anything they can. For more information, please click the following link: Make a Donation.

Lastly, we’d just like to mention that the online social-networking recovery site, IntheRooms.com, is hosting the “Rally for Recovery.” IntheRooms is one of the biggest international sites dedicated to connecting people in recovery worldwide for support. ITR has 45,000 members with more than 131,000 years of combined recovery time.

Most of these drinkers consider themselves “Social Drinkers” not binge drinkers, who don’t drink for weeks on in, but gorge themselves into a near alcohol drinking coma when social events take place – well in that respect they do fit the definition of a binge drinker or ‘binge drinking cougar’.

Starting today, Intherooms.com will now have a Facebook app available for any user looking to personalize their Facebook profile with their recovery time. The ITR Facebook app will display the member’s recovery time for friends to see. It will also show the combined recovery time of the 50,000+ IntheRooms members, which now totals over 100,000 years.

Another feature is that any friend of the ITR/Facbook member who has the app will be able to join the free recovery community anonymously through their friends Facebook page. Addiction can carry a big stigma making getting help more diffucult, but the hope is that the app will reach out and encourage people out there that need help but are still hesitant.

For those unfamiliar with ITR (intheroom.coom), it is one of the premiere recovery communities on the web. Like Facebook, ITR is also a social networking site; however, its focus is recovery. The goal of IntheRooms.com can be summed up with its mantra, which is the word H.I.T.C.H. and stands for Help, Inform, Touch, Connect and Heal. At ITR, anyone can join for free and connect with tens of thousands of other members, across fellowship lines, who are also in recovery.

Want to know at exactly what location and when the next Alcoholics Anonymous meeting is in your area? Now you can very easily. IntheRooms.com has just launched their listing for Alcoholics Anonymous Meetings across the US and the rest of the globe.

One InTheRooms.com member, ScottWDavenport, described the database in the following way: “It’s great to know that InTheRooms.com is working on a Alcoholics Anonymous database that’ll not only benefit its members, but anyone in recovery whether they’ve heard of IntheRooms or not.”

Please follow the link to visit the AA listings: http://meetings.intherooms.com/wiki/AA_Meetings.
Also, be sure to click through the main listings page, Meetings.InTheRooms.com to find similar listings for other fellowships’ meetings, like: Gamblers Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, and Overeaters Anonymous.